Brigham Young would have been 86 years old today had he been living. No mention was made of it in the News or Herald seemed quite strange. So soon are even the great forgotten when they are dead. It is June Wells birthday he is 33 and I was invited there to dine with them, and also Lydia Ann, Susan and Martha. My husband has sent each of us a pair of kid gloves from New York. Little Emma Sears is nine years old today too. Annie has written her a letter & sent a little handkerchief. I sent her a picture book of prose & poetry [p. 176] {p. 177}

Fast day and almost all the places are shut in honor of it. Sister Minerva W. Snow goes to Mexico bade me good bye this morning. Sister Howard has been with me almost all day. Have had many callers went down home and watered and spent a little time in our lonely old house. Mell was out riding yesterday, the first time since her injury. Annie drove up for me, said Mayor Armstrong & Judge Smith had been here to see John Q. Spent a very quiet evening, trying all the time to be calm and submissive [p. 177] {p. 178}

<Letter from Dot today describing the new home> The morning was gone before we left the Farm Annie drove me up and took Louise, had a great deal to do, lots of flowers came roses in particular. dined at Martha’s in the 12th Ward. Lyde [Eliza Free Wells] brought me back to the Office, finished my work for the day and went down to my own old home. watered my flowers & trees and plant in the house my darlings work formerly. O the terrible sorrow that has fallen upon me no tongue can tell my heart is well nigh broken. I feel my loneliness intensely never, never can I recover from this! [p. 178] {p. 179}

Letter from Hannah this morning in sympathy with my sorrow We were late and from the time I came up the Office was crowded with people. The paper was off but late being cut and it was a very great annoyance The wind blew and it was such a tiresome afternoon. Went down home with Verona [Dunford Woods] and gave her Louie’s white hat. We were there a little while watering the flowers and O so plain I could see my baby walking about & helping me with every thing as she used to do. My heart is aching so I know not what to do Annie came up and we went down past the trees broken by lightning [p. 179] {p. 180}

This is Daisie’s birthday just 19. she is still in Logan teaching. Annie sent her a very pretty card and her father¹ a moss-agate ring and she had several other presents sent from the City. It has been a very disagreeable day windy and dusty. we stayed at home all day Annie cooked the dinner Louise went out & took the children, a lonely evening, reading and so on, I felt too gloomy to do anything It has been an eventful week. so much excitement on the tapis² and very hot weather [p. 180] {p. 181}

<Hospital meeting today> Annie & I came up again this morning and went to the grave yard with a few flowers Louise with us. It seems as though we must go up there often, and we ought to do something to make the place attractive. A wearisome day afterwards, sultry and no air stirring, strangers coming in and inquiries concerning the paper coming out These are days of real gloom, and almost impossible to be in any sense cheerful & agreeable. I cannot describe my feelings and those who offer sympathy only add to my grief in many instances [p. 181] {p. 182}

Today went <was invited> to Sister go Horne’s to Sister [Sarah Granger] Kimball’s to a party in her honor, word brought me to be sure and attend but found it utterly impossible for many reasons. And indeed I do not feel like making an exhibition of my grief. I am not disposed to court retirement & cherish melancholy but to mingle with the gay and jubilant is not consistent in my present state of mind. O, the sorrow and painful ordeals through which I have passed are more than tongue can tell. Sister [Mary Ann Price] Hyde of Sanpete is here & called today [p. 182] {p. 183}

This is a very hot day again. I have had some ladies calling upon me and took them up to the Lion House to see Aunt Zina. Went to Clara H [Horne] James with several other sisters to attend to some administering³ and spend the afternoon, had a nice time there were present, Sisters Horne, Spencer, Richards, Smith, Young, Hyde, Clayton[,] Tingey and some others.⁴ Cornell [Cornelia Horne Clayton] and Minnie [Permelia Horne James] went almost home with me. Later Wilhelm came for me and I rode home in a covered wagon, Dr. Pratt was in waiting and spent the evening. [p. 183] {p. 184}

Last evening Dr. Pratt gave me some of the reasons for not answering sooner and we had a very agreeable time together. The Hospital needs a head and we think Dr. Pratt the very woman for the place. Have been busy today preparing copy etc. and hope to get the paper out soon. Have had a great many hindrances and many coming in and out tried to get up to Mells and could not somehow get it accomplished. I came up so late & have to leave here early and feel so languid and spiritless that very little work is done outside of routine labor. [p. 184] {p. 185}

This morning our sisters three of them have gone off to Grantsville to the Sisters Conference, and a glorious day it is for their trip. Sister [Bathsheba W.] Smith dined at the Gardo and came here after and stayed quite a little while. I was invited to a strawberry festival but could not think of attending under such peculiar circumstances, and at all events my great grief would hinder me from enjoyment, and I would not like to cast a shadow over others or cause a moments gloom to those who are in the possession of temporary happiness [p. 185] {p. 186}

Went up late & attended the meeting of the Territorial Central Committee⁵ at the City Hall at 12. m. nineteen gentlemen present and only one lady. It does take some courage but as I believe in woman representing her own sex I determined to attend and do my best to understand how things were going and what the prospects were for a fair representation of the People’s Party. In the afternoon after I was so very busy and my head ached badly and my heart much worse. These are my days of bitter trial and such an experience as seldom comes to any one. [p. 186] {p. 187}

This is a lovely day tho’ the wind blows. Br. Cannon is at the farm John Q. has gone over to see him, he is not very well and is going to take an emetic from Dr. [A. D.] Hovey. Annie took me up to the Old Home and left me and there I spent the day alone I wrote the obituary notice I wanted to publish. Annie came late and we drove home. Later John Q. came over and told us that his father had gone and also that Pres. Taylor was ailing very materially yet making hope up and making every effort to keep up [p. 187] {p. 188}

This has been a trying day. Very hot and dusty. Annie drove up with me and took Louise. We dined at the big house June was there also Evie [Evelyn Young] Davis. In the afternoon I called upon Mell and found her better. Mrs. [Lillie] Langtry is playing at the Theatre in this city. After I left Mells went down home and stayed alone for some time communing with my own thoughts, my tears fell fast, I could not restrain my sorrow everything reminded me of the one that had gone so recently, my heart seems breaking for her. If I could only see her once more not to suffer not in pain [p. 188] {p. 189}

<Sent off a letter to Belle today.> This morning went up with John Q. and was only just in time to dress and go to the meeting of the Central Committee at the City Hall. There was no other lady present. After the meeting was out I went to Fuller’s Hill⁶ to the Kimball reunion. It was a large gathering between 3 & 4 hundred people There were exercises of singing recitations etc. and following that dancing. I only stayed a short time and soon after reaching the office Annie came for me and we drove home. My head ached terribly and I soon retired [p. 189] {p. 190}

<Was invited to Granger & the 16th Ward both today> Came up late and had so much to do that I could scarcely take time to be civil to people, but had so many callers I was greatly hindered in my work. I felt very much worried and embarrassed too & had melancholy feelings having received letters of condolence from a distance. Lydia Ann came & told me that Hannah was returning from the East & would stop off at <Coal> Kaysville with Litha [Tilitha Free Smith]. John Q. came up for me and we arrived at the Farm early & passed a pleasant evening. [p. 190] {p. 191}

<Just one month ago today[.] John Q. went away into the country today.> Attended a meeting of the Central Committee this evening after working hard all day in the Office, did not leave there until nearly 12 o’clock. A proposition was submitted in reference to a Convention with a view to becoming a state and that a press convention convene to nominate delegates to a Constitutional Convention, where such sentiments should be embodied as would be acceptable to the head of the nation, this is a great step to take in the opposite direction from our former position.⁷ Heaven only knows what the consequence will be of such a radical step. The offer came from leading men of the nation [p. 191] {p. 192}

Last evening Annie drove up for me late at night and was greatly annoyed because she had to wait. However she went into the Mayor’s office and spent some time with Hebe [Heber M. Wells], who entertained her with incidents in her father’s association with Brigham Young. It has been a lonesome day & seemed to both Annie and myself like Saturday. It was a busy day in the Office and I came home thoroughly exhausted and in such low spirits that I was not much company for <any> one. Lydia Ann has been over to talk with me about Ort & May. They have really broken off off and she can scarcely be reconciled. [p. 192] {p. 193}

<wrote a letter to Belle> How weary the days all seem to me and how lonely all the world looks. Life can never be the same to me again without my darling baby. O, how dreadful everything seems. Day after day passes and my mind is no more calm or reconciled. I want to know more than I do know about the other world, whether those who go behind the veil are conscious of what is transpiring here. If so and they are permitted to see their loved ones can they use an influence for them when they are in trouble or going through severe trials. I have been trying all day to get time to write– [p. 193] {p. 194}

Sent off my letter to Belle by Br. [Henry M.] Wilbraham.⁸ I feel as though we ought to write more for her She is so good about writing to us. This is Brents [Edward Brenton Sears] birthday and Annie has bought him a collar and I have given him a cashmere dress peacock blue. Two years old such a fine big boy. How Louie loved him he was so sweet when she was sick coming to the door and asking for lumps of sugar and crackers, hold out his chubby hands in such a sweet way. O my poor Louie I want her with me. It seems so cruel not to have done more for her while I had the opportunity [p. 194] {p. 195}

We went up in pretty good time and Annie helped Mr. Sears with the packing of the things to go to San Francisco It seems awfully sorrowful to see the things go out of the house, such changes are hard for me, very hard indeed, but the house is very full of ornaments and it will be better to have only my own things than so many of other people’s. The days are long and yet they seem very short indeed when one has so much to do, that is tiresome and cannot get it accomplished. If I can ever get up with my work I shall be very glad indeed. Annie is trying to hard to make the children new dresses. [p. 195] {p. 196}

Annie came up again to pack, the selecting and packing up is being done very nicely and agreeably and all the heavy things are being carried off to Madsen’s.⁹ The furniture beds are gone, easy chairs, the screen, pictures, and paintings. Annie has hung other pictures in the room so that it looks quite like the dear old home parlor again, where we have spent so many happy hours. I r[e]call in particular the winter of 1884 and 1885 when we were alone together O, so much and evening after evening of that fall and winter, we sat together in that parlor and and read or talked and I remember how happy we were– [p. 196] {p. 197}

This is a fine day when we came up we noticed that the last of the bedsteads was gone and went on up to the Office where a letter was waiting for me inviting me to Nephi to Conference there. Such a nice letter from Sister [Matilda Picton] Teasdale. Mr. Fontney of Ohio who came with an introduction from Mrs. [Emily Scott] Dill came to see me. I went down to the house with him and we talked for some time I showed him a number of pictures and gave him one of Aunt Zina. He walked back to the Office with me and met Aunt Zina and Dr. Pratt there and conversed [p. 197] {p. 198} <with them a little.>

This morning Annie had a letter from John Q. written at Richfield and I had one from Gershom [Wells] from Berne, Switzerland a very nice one indeed, It seems lonely to us both without John Q. but we hope it will do him good. O the terrible gloom that has fallen upon me, when will it be lifted or the clouds break in the least. Like a heavy black wall I am covered over with and darkness all around about. It is the Sister’s Conference and Sister Howard has been in to see me and talk it over also the change in Hospital affairs. Mrs. Whipple the matron seems to me to be a humbug– [p. 198] {p. 199}

Last night Annie wrote a letter to Belle and I my editorial for the paper for June 15.¹⁰ It is a tiresome day, the Young Ladies Conference Sister [Augusta Joyce] Crocheron has been here and I gave her a picture of Louie. I went home to look up some magazines for her and spent a couple of hours. O, what feelings come over me when I enter that house. My life is broken up, my heart bowed down with the most exquisite sorrow. It is a perfect rest to me in one way to give way to grief. I find a consolation in it, that is not given in any other way. The Lord has sancetied [sanctified] my trouble to me. [p. 199] {p. 200}

<Mass Convention today at 12. M.> This morning we came up early to the Office such a lovely morning, everything looked so fresh & beautiful. Annie & I quite enjoyed the morning ride. Louise & Margaret both came up with us, and Talulah went down with Annie to spend the day. Soon after I went up to see Lula Richards. She was not at home, saw her mother Sister Susan [Kent] Greene and husband¹¹ & Persis [Goodall] Young (Pearlie.) Then went into see Mother Richards who talked to me about Louie and said she had a letter partly written to her when she heard of her death, she spoke of her in such a sweet way as a martyr. [p. 200] {p. 201}

May [Wells] came home with us last evening & staid all night. We sat up until after one o’clock discussing the political situation of affairs in Utah, and some family matters. Kate came down and brought [Henry] Wells Culmer Nett [Susan Annette Wells Culmer]’s baby boy and took May up home to see some young girls from Manti former pupils of May’s We were quite disappointed in not having her with us through the day. Late in the afternoon Annie and myself went for a ride and took Louise and Margaret with us. we had a very pleasant out, and saw many out enjoying the fresh air [p. 201] {p. 202}

Br. Wilbraham drove me up this morning. I had a letter from Sister Delia, the day was a trying one to me very, Went down to the house twice, sent off a package to Belle the 5th Ward Sunday School spent the day at Calder’s Farm, Geo. Q. took Gipsey & the cart and Annie went in the afternoon and took Sister [Sarah Bray] Woodbury and Louise & baby. Sister Richards came to see me today also had a crowd of strangers. Called on June & Lena, at Clawson’s and had some conversation with Lydia Ann and Dr. Shipp who is just about starting East with her 2 boys¹² [p. 202] {p. 203} who are going on a mission to the Southern States.

<Amelia [Harriet Amelia Folsom Young] came and paid me quite a visit today.> Today I went up late & dressed ready to go to the 17th Ward Primary and Fair, Annie & children came up with me and we did a lot of errands. I went to the meeting and spoke a short time, we had ice cream fruit & cake at Sister Howe’s afterwards and a[n]other little meeting in her parlor, such a sweet spirit. There were fourteen at table Sisters Hyde, Horne, Zina, Kimball, Smith, Wells, Clawson, Richardson Richards, Groesbeck, <Martin [Martia]> Hyde, Dougall, Zina Hyde, & Howe,¹³ Sister Hyde sang in tongues and Aunt Zina interpreted, Annie came up for me and we drove home very late indeed. It was a change & Annie has called at the Bee Hive [House] [p. 203] {p. 204}

This is such a hot day came up early, and tried hard to do some mailing About 3 p.m. Annie came and brought baby and Q. and Louise drove up in the pony cart. Annie went direct to Mell’s and I went up about six to dinner. Delicious fried chicken and other delicacies of the season. Mell is very delicate still and more nervous than anything, Daisie sung very sweetly for us accompanying herself on the piano, she sung “She wandered down the mountain side” and two or three other songs and played for us. We drove home very late, the pony stayed all night. [p. 204] {p. 205}

<Convention organized today.> This morning Annie went up to pack Belle’s trunk, and spent the day at the old home. I went down to lunch Gipsey was in the yard as formerly and the cart by the North end of the house. Children playing in the orchard and all so like the other days when we all had so much pleasure and hope of the future. So near 4th. of July there is much confusion and firecrackers frightening the horses. 3 letters from Belle one from Elise and one from Emmie. The Constitutitional Convention met John T. Caine Chairman.¹⁴ [p. 205] {p. 206}