June 6 1845

Again have my friends in a distant country at the home of my child hood remembered me and him whom I love they know not he is far away on the stormy ocean perhaps sleeping in the bottom of the sea and perhaps tossed on his vessel by the furious winds that blow across the sea this though is almost to much for human nature to bear my heart aches my brain is dizzy at the idea It brings the past before me in all its various lights and shades with all its labyrinths’ and in it some places I see happiness pictured in its {p. 80} most vivid colors in others I see joy and sorrow intermingled and in others I see dark places where I could hardly distinguish the Hand of Providence where I could barely e[s]cape with life where sorrow got a foothold in my bosom which can never be driven away save by one whose power over my mind has ever been sufficient to soothe me in affliction to calm me in distres to make me happy in his society and I hope soon very soon (May God grant it) to see him and hear words of love and affection wilt <Thou O God> forever seperate me from one to whom I gave my whole and undivided affection in all the honesty and truthfulness of my heart and with all the simplicity and virtue of a youthful girl I knew nothing of the world {p. 81} then and I know but little now but I find it full of deceit and wickedness when those we consider our best friends deceive us what are we to expect from others?<!> no mercy is the answer I feel it daily the world look upon me perhaps as though I had driven him away by my cruelty but never no never can he rise up and say I neglected him or reproached him no even now when he has left me to the the mercy of a cold unfeeling world am I ready to receive him to my heart again when ever he returns and I want O how much I desire to have him come O James where art thou O <that> thou couldst hear my voice and thow wouldst return O come to her who gave and for[s]ook all others for thee. {p. 82}